Please check back or use the email subscription on the right.
Facebook Fan Page
Twitter: @RantRollDuane
It feels like…
Since January, I have been involved in a performance of The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee. I sacrificed blogging while learning my lines. We had a great run and received very positive feedback from the patrons.
My friends and family often ask if I am nervous on stage. I am not. Once on stage, I am calm and confident in my ability and my cast. However, the moment before I step through the curtain a sensation that is difficult to describe overtakes me. Part of it is a fear of the unknown and part of it is a moment of self-doubt. Am I really prepared for this? Every show has something different happen. A sound malfunction, skipped line or the dreaded forgotten line can occur no matter how prepared and talented the cast is. When something happens the actors must correct and keep going. I do not think about it on stage, but before I step out of the curtain, I do.
To put the feelings in context that non-actors will understand…
Before I step on stage, I feel like I do the moment before the Hulk Coaster launches me through the tube.
It is the same feeling I have before stepping off a boat and descending sixty feet while SCUBA diving.
It feels like the moment before my class walks in on the first day of school.
I feel nervous, electric and alive. There is a sense of unknown and adventure.
It is a lot like standing over a ten-foot putt to win $20.
Standing on the free throw line with a chance to tie the game is similar.
I plan; I rehearse and think about my lines all the time. No matter how much I prepare I still feel the same.
Sunrise at the start of a triathlon feels the same as standing behind the curtain.
I felt the same feeling before I finally asked the pretty girl out.
The moment before the first kiss is just like the moment before going on stage.
I hear my cue, the stage manager nods and I walk out on stage. I am confident and the nerves disappear. Then one last thought enters my head: Did I zip my zipper? Every show it is always the same.
What they are really thinking…
UWW Fighting Marshmallows
Recently I traveled to Florida to take part in an international study on Facebook at the University of Western Wimauma. U of WW is the home of the Fighting Marshmallows and some of the top researchers in the field of Facebook Psychology. During one of the exciting break out sessions we explored the deep need for so many to document their daily activities. A Blue Ribbon Round Table Discussion Committee explored the psychology behind the “status update”.
Below is an abbreviated list of what users are thinking while updating Facebook Status.
Status (S): Seeing my (significant other) in the morning, takes my breath away
Truth (T): His (her) morning breath is a weapon of mass destruction
S: My child is the best
T: My kid eats paste
S: I am so lucky to wake up next to my wonderful husband
T: Why does he have so much ear hair?
S: My life is perfect!
T: Please hug me
S: I love Glee
T: Not that there is anything wrong with that
S: I love my job / coworkers
T: I may or may not like my job, but I work with the biggest group of twits outside of Congress
S: I was watching my wife play with our children – I could hear angels singing
T: I’m sure she caught me looking at the twenty year old jogger
S: Don’t ask
T: Please ask
S: I am so excited my sister / best friend is getting married (engaged / having a baby…)
T: I hate her.
S: Some people need to be nicer
T: Alice, you are an ignorant, misguided skank
S: I have the most supportive and loving wife
T: I am about to do / buy something insanely stupid
S: (2 a.m.) I love Doritos
T: I am high
S: My parents are the best!
T: Please send money
S: (Favorite team) lost again – fire the coach
T: I have anger issues (and / or) place too much importance on things I cannot control
S: Posting a link to your blog
T: Please notice me
S: Posting a link to rantandrollwithduane.com
T: I am thoughtful, intelligent, and just plain awesome
Not so deep thoughts…
This past week has been a challenging one for me. I accomplished little, but thought about a lot. I did complete the first draft of a project I hope to post next week. Here are a few of the many thoughts that ran though my head.
Up-Down-Up-Down-Left-Right-Left-Right-B-A-Select-Start. Learn it. Live it. Love it.
Bo Jackson is the greatest football player in video game history. This is not debatable.
G.O.A.T
Saturday Night’s Alright (for fighting) – Elton John out rocks Nickelback
Why is being overqualified a negative? Are dumb people better employees?
Anytime a sentence begins with “you people” – something stupid will follow.
“We’ll keep your resume on file,” is not as encouraging as it sounds.
There is a tip jar in the drive thru at Starbucks, but not McDonalds. Why?
UF/UGA qualifies for a House Divided tag. Yale/University of Phoenix does not.
If married people encourage single friends to get married. Then single people should encourage married friends to get divorced.
It is socially acceptable for a man to wear Chap Stick but not cherry lip gloss. Seems unfair.
Ricky Gervais is a Conservative hero because he stuck it to Hollywood. If you’re a fan of Ricky Gervvais, you know why this is funny.
Black ice scares the crap out of some people. They will do anything to avoid black ice. The news media reports on possible black ice locations. Never hear people worrying about white ice.
I’m not sure which is creepier: my movie crush on Johnny Depp or my movie crush on Emma Stone.
You smell like old people... and soap. I like it.
But no, no, John Hughes did not direct my life.
Posted in I think
Snowmageddon
January 2011, Snowmageddon besieged the Metro Atlanta Area. As most know, the south is not equipped to handle six to ten inches of snow. The ice paralyzed the area for several days.
While the southerners struggled to deal with the icy conditions, some northern transplants offered advice.
One such person is Tony, a former resident of one of those New states in the northeast.
Below are excerpts from Tony’s book: “Lovers and Other Dumb Things I Gotta Do” (in blue)
Good afternoon,
As living in the Southeast generally precludes having to deal with snow, especially shoveling it, so I felt it incumbent upon my to enlighten my fellow southern citizens as to how to do this.
Know your snow!
Look, it’s all about the snow. There are lots of types.
-Dry and Powdery: this stuff is light and tends to blow away when you try and shovel it.
-Wet and Dense: this is the worst…
-Dry and Dense: the best for shoveling as it will go neat and easy and no stick to the shovel..still, you’re shoveling snow..this ain’t no picnic.
Southerners know there is only one type of snow: the cold kind.
Choose your tool
Look, if you’re in the south, you’ll probably not have a snow shovel, but if you need or get the chance to pick one, learn the right one.
There is nothing sadder (or potentially deadly) than watching someone shovel snow with a coal shovel. Garden spades are another sad state. If you know the snow is coming get to the damn store and buy a snow shovel. Those big flat ones are for the dry and dense stuff; the half barrels for the dense stuff.
In the south, we have one type of shovel in the suburbs – the kind used to dig holes. The only other type of shovel used in the south is a poop shovel for cleaning the horse stall.
Think like a plow.
Snow is heavy, especially a full shovelful. It may be pretty to look at it but this is work. Do you know how a plow works? Its breaks the surface and shoves it out of the way…
When I think plow, I think of farming. The best way to move snow in the south is with a Bobcat. The best way to move anything in the south is with a Bobcat.
Bobcat = Get-er-done!
That asshat Thomas Kincaid with his winter “Paintings of Light” showing little cottages with snow piled up against them is only because they didn’t worry about water intrusion.
Every Kincaid painting, mug and defibrillator features a snow scene. Just once, I’d like to see a painting with a guy standing outside the cottage looking at his SUV buried under all the snow.
Where is my Land Rover?
Practical considerations
Yeah, yeah, your kid is SO cute but don’t let them get involved in snow removal. Ditto the significant other. Don’t let your little honey or sweet baboo get out there and muck stuff up.
What’s the point of having kids if I can’ put them to work? Ditto for the significant other.
Finishing work
Really…there is no finish… Go back and clean up the skreds.. Dress the edge: run the shovel down the edges to clean and tighten them up. Do a little sculpting: got a big pile or tall pile? Work it with the shovel to smooth and tighten it. Yeah it’s work, but that will keep it from falling over causing more clean-up.
Why even start? Stay inside watch the replay of your favorite SEC game.
Final steps.
Unless you’re some kind of ‘half-marathoner’ or a gym rat..you’re going to be in pain or at least very stiff, in about 2 hours. Start drinking and pop a Percoset or two…
A better final step is to skip the driveway and sidewalk and take the kids sledding, have a frosty beverage and grill something.
Cold Beer (thanks Todd)
So, next time its going to snow in the South..go out and get your supplies as soon as they tell you its coming, then crack a bottle with your main squeeze and watch it fall with some nice music in the background. Its beautiful and magical….very romantic.
Some suggested supplies: Cardboard boxes to make sleds. Plastic chair mats work well too. I also suggest heading to the Army surplus store and buying a flamethrower. As far as I know, flamethrowers are legal in the south for home defense, hunting and snow clearing.
Great for clearing snow or killing weeds
While Tony provides valuable shoveling information, most southerners will never need to shovel snow because:
Four-wheel-drive and southerners go together like New Jersey and Toxic Waste.
Snow keeps beer cold.
God put the snow there; it will melt when He wants it to.
Your SPLOST at work.
Thanks Tony for contributing and inspiring this post.
Posted in It is just me..., Thoughts
If we lived in a WWE world…
I walked into Publix today to buy a few items for dinner. I’m making ziti and meatballs, but that has little bearing on the issue at hand.
I entered the store and nobody noticed. Shoppers were shopping and the employees were talking to each other. Not one person looked over and acknowledged my presence.
It hit me: How much more awesome would life be if it were like the WWE?
In the WWE, when a superstar enters the building, people don’t ignore him. There is music, lights and pyrotechnics announcing the entrance. Jim Ross begins verbally hemorrhaging in excitement.
If we lived in WWE world:
Publix is quiet. The employees are discussing Jersey Shore while stay at home moms and retirees march up and down the isles searching for deals.
Suddenly Back in Black assaults the eardrums. I stomp though the door, a can of Red Bull in each hand. I jump on top of the Customer Service counter and look at my legion of fans.
The Produce Manager is on the PA screaming, “Business is about to pick up!”
Employees and customers cheer my arrival.
Shopping at Publix just became a little more awesome.
I saw an ESPN highlight showing Matt Ryan throwing a pass to Roddy White. White caught the ball, juked the defender and ran forty yards for a score. Yawn. We see touchdowns countless times on any given Sunday.
In WWE world:
The Dome, NFC Championship Falcons vs. Rams. Rams are up by four with a minute to play in the game. Matt Ryan drops back and throws the ball to Roddy White. White catches the ball, jukes his defender and has an easy path to the end zone.
Out of nowhere, Michael Jenkins flashes into view and knocks the ball out of White’s hand. The ball bounces through the back of the end zone giving the Rams the ball and an unbelievable victory.
Joe Buck sounding like JR: “Good God! What is Jenkins doing?”
Jenkins rips off his Falcons jersey revealing the Rams jersey underneath.
The fans in the dome boo and throw things on the field while Jenkins and the Rams celebrate.
Family gatherings are dull affairs. The little cousins play together then fight with each other. The older people sit and complain about things that old people complain about. The married family members discuss diaper changes or trips. The single cousins wish they had done something different.
Seven Budwisers into the gathering Uncle Rob switches off his appropriate topic filter and launches into a fifteen minute dissertation about the failure of schools because of lazy union teachers.
Cousin Suzy, a kindergarten teacher, sits quietly hoping somebody comes to her aid and shuts Uncle Rob up.
A heavy silence hangs in the room as family look from one another waiting for somebody to do or say something.
Aunt Katie, Rob’s wife places a gentle hand on Uncle Rob in a vain attempt to silence him.
In WWE world:
Uncle Rob launches into his verbal tirade about the unions and lazy teachers. Cousin Suzy, unable to contain herself, stands up picks up her folding chair and hits Uncle Rob over the head with it.
Before Aunt Katie can respond Cousin Suzy delivers a metal chair smack to Katie’s head as well.
Cousin Suzy then begins kicking Uncle Rob while Grand Pa Frank yells, “she’s stomping a mud hole in him!”
After a few minutes, family members jump in and pull Cousin Suzy off the bloodied Uncle Rob.
Grand Ma Jane emerges from the kitchen with a warm apple pie and life returns to normal.
There is no argument the WWE world is far more entertaining and gratifying than the real world. Unfortunately, the real world has laws. Jumping on the counter at Publix is frowned upon. Switching teams in the NFC Championship is not allowed due to collective bargaining. Although it shouldn’t be, stomping a mud hole in annoying relatives is illegal in 49 states.
All aboard!
Hurry up people! Tickets for the Atlanta Falcons Bandwagon are going fast. The Falcons have the best record in the NFC and home field advantage for the entire playoffs. With their impressive regular season, bandwagon fans are flocking to the Falcons.
A quick FAQ for Falcons Bandwagon fans:
Q: What is a bandwagon fan?
A: Bandwagon fans support only winning teams.
Q: Are bandwagon fans true fans?
A: No they are not the same. True fans supports the team no matter what.
Q: How do I know if I am a Falcons bandwagon fan?
A: With all credit to Jeff Foxworthy:
If you loved the Falcons when #7 played here but hated the Falcons when he was arrested – You are a bandwagon fan.
If you think Matt Ryan played football at Florida, Georgia or Tennessee – You are a bandwagon fan.
Unlike SEC - we go to class
If you think the Falcons always played in a dome – You are a bandwagon fan.
Old School
If you think Prime Time is TV watching between 8PM and 11PM – You are a bandwagon fan.
King of bling
If you think Bad Moon Rising is only a CCR song – You are a bandwagon fan.
If you believe Tony Gonzalez is going into the Hall of Fame as a Falcon – You are a bandwagon fan.
Will catch for a ring
If you did not know the Falcons used to be NFC West rivals with the 49ers – You are a bandwagon fan.
If you think Crystal Chandelier is a home decoration – You are a bandwagon fan.
Handle with Care
If you think Brett Favre was originally a Packer – You are a bandwagon fan.
Thanks for trading me
If you never heard of Bobby Petrino or Jerry Glanville – You are a bandwagon fan.
If you know who Leeman Bennett is – you are Falcons / Bucs fan that is still does not understand how he had two head coaching jobs in the NFL.
If you refer to the Falcons as “we” instead of they – You are a bandwagon fan.
If you turn on them when they lose – You are a bandwagon fan.
I am sure there are more. Perhaps “true” Falcons fans can enlighten me.
Posted in Thoughts
The truth they don’t want you to know
A rumored WikiLeak reveals the truth behind a Top Secret US domestic surveillance program. The authenticity of the leak cannot be confirmed, but the facts are undeniable.
During the George Bush Presidency domestic surveillance increased by an estimated two hundred percent. Obviously, the combined forces of the CIA and FBI did not have enough agents to keep track of every person in our country. In 2005, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld and Tom Ridge the Director of Homeland Security came up with a solution: They asked Santa Claus.
In December 2005, Santa dispatched elves into homes throughout America. Santa and Ridge believed elves could operate covertly inside homes. Unfortunately, children quickly spotted the elves. The North Pole Media Response Team created a charming story about elves watching children for Santa. The Department of Education spread the propaganda by introducing the story into schools. Now parents and children believe elves are agents of Santa checking to see who is naughty or nice.
Critics of the program call into question Santa’s loyalty to the United States. Santa wears red, the color of Communism. Santa has a Dutch and German Heritage. Germany has a history of attempting world domination. It is possible that Santa is conspiring to take over the world using the information he has acquired.
If the WikiLeak is true, Americans must demand an inquiry into the domestic spying program. Spying on Americans without a warrant is unconstitutional. Using Santa, a red suited foreign operative, to gather information risks the privacy of the naughty and nice. Do you really want Santa or the CIA to know you watch Jersey Shore while wearing Sponge Bob underwear and eating ice cream from the carton?
from duane: this WikiLeak is fictitious. I made it up. Rendition by Santa and his Black Ops Elves is an urban myth.
Posted in It is just me...
Sam says: Rise up Mother Falcons!
It is almost impossible to live near Atlanta and not be swept up in Falcons fever. The press is stoking the hype machine as the Falcons continue to rise up! In Atlanta, it’s time to party like it’s 1998. The Dirty Bird is back and dirtier than ever!
There are a few not riding the tsunami of hype. Most are “outsiders” refusing to hop on the bandwagon. We refuse to abandon our home team because we live in Georgia. With Internet and TV, I can watch every Dolphins game. Unlike some other teams I cannot stand (Bills, Patriots, Jets and Colts), Falcons fans are mostly sane. My neighbor is a Falcons fan and a good guy. Bless his heart.
Top Seven Reasons why I don’t like the Falcons:
1 – Dome: Football is played outside in the sun, rain, wind and snow. Is there and indoors equivalent to the Ice Bowl? The recent collapse of the Metrodome shows how nature feels about football played in domes. Nature abhors vacuums and domed stadiums.
2 – Favre: Jerry Glanville’s claim to fame is talking smack, wearing black, leaving tickets for Elvis and trading Brett Favre. Yes, that Brett Favre.
He's no Chris Chandler
3 – Prime Time: Deion Sanders is a first ballot selection to the Hall of Fame of Hype. Deion is the best non-tackling-shut down-celebrity- corner of his generation.
4 – Vick: Michael Vick. In Atlanta, Vick was an athlete. In Philadelphia, he is a quarterback. Falcons’ ownership did not know the difference
5 – Arthur Blank: He is the Falcons’ owner, former CEO of Home Depot and part time Rhett Butler impersonator. Blank is a less football savvy Jerry Jones.
Arthur knows Hammers
6 – The Dirty Bird: What is a “Dirty Bird’? Is it something you pay for? Will a cream stop it from itching?
7 – Matty Ice: Matt Ryan is going to be a great QB. Unfortunately, Atlanta gave him the lamest nickname in history. “Matty Ice” is appropriate for the latest Bartles and James wine cooler, not an NFL quarterback.
Mother Falcons I hate that nickname!
This might be the Falcons year. The house that Prime built is rockin’. National and local media are calling the Falcons a Team of Destiny. The NFL is full of teams of destiny that do not win the big game. The 18-1 New England Patriots know a little something about being labeled a Team of Destiny.
Snitch on a Shelf
For years, parents used Santa Claus as a surrogate disciplinarian. “I’ll tell Santa”, was a popular behavior modifier for my parents. Unfortunately, for them, it taught me that I could raise hell from December 26th until Thanksgiving the following year without repercussions. There might be a spanking or loss of privileges, but Santa would not know.
Quite honestly, Santa freaked me out. How did he know if I was awake? How did he know if I was naughty or nice? I used to lay awake at night thinking about his methods. Did Santa break into my house? Did he have access to spy satellites?
The Snitch
Now I know the truth: Santa has snitches. Santa employs a team of elves to spy on children. Santa operates a worldwide espionage network with little regard for boarders or rights. Santa’s covert agency is beholden to the North Pole without judicial oversight.
In 2005, Elf on the Shelf became an instant holiday hit. The book is about an elf that reports children’s behavior to Santa. Parents gush about how cute children are when looking for the Elf on the Shelf. Parents fail to realize that they accidentally revealed the gaps in Santa’s information gathering capabilities. Children today are emboldened by the limitations of Santa’s reach.
The idea of an all-knowing Santa with eyes around the world caused me to think before I did something wrong. If I knew Santa relied solely on a snitching elf, a few more Barbie Dolls might have blown up.
An Elf on the Shelf cannot see what the child is doing in another part of the house. The elf is not outside either. In elf free zones children are free to run buck wild without fear of Santa finding out. Jewish kids have a lot more friends coming over during the Christmas holidays. There are no elves in Hanukah.
Snitches get stitches
If Santa was truly powerful his elves would have 4G smart phones, but they do not. Elves use magic to return to Santa and giver their reports orally. Yet another flaw in the Santa system. A text or video report would be instant. Instead, the Elves use 19th century magic. If the child touches the elf, the elf loses his magic and cannot report. Johnny can shave the dog and put lipstick on the flat screen. Touch the elf and poof! Santa will never know. If the elf has an accident, he will never report and Johnny is home free. The unexplained dismembering of the elf will upset mom and dad, but Santa is out of the loop.
The limitations exposed by Elf on the Shelf will hurt Santa’s ability to monitor children. Parents must act as an agent for Santa now that the truth is out. While the elf has limitations, parents can still email, call or text Santa at anytime. I hope that science will not reveal that the North Pole lacks WiFi, and cellular service. When children realize Santa can only communicate through magic elves the world will plunge into chaos.
Posted in Thoughts
Enter the Meat Guy
Meat Man's ride
While popular in New Jersey, I find the practice of buying meat from a guy driving a freezer-toting pickup truck unsettling. One of my neighbors recently bought some type of meat product from Meat Guy. They are still alive although they did develop a strange intestinal virus.
I prefer to buy meat at the grocery store or butcher shop. At the Corner Butcher Shop, I ask Larry, the Butcher Guy, what he recommends based on my dinner plans or store specials. The store is clean and the staff is dressed accordingly in clean white coat or apron.
Meat Guy shows up in his dirty truck wearing sleeveless shirt, jeans and work boots. Meat Guy usually has a cigarette dangling from his curled lip. Judging Meat Guy as a person based on his appearance is unfair. Judging Meat Guy as a food supplier based on his appearance is prudent.
Larry the Butcher Guy tells me which cuts are the freshest. His entire sales gimmick is fresh cuts and store specials. The Corner Butcher Shop meat is competitively priced, always tender and tastes fantastic.
Meat Guy’s sales pitch is a crazy story about how he managed to find himself driving around with extra steaks. A missed delivery, cancelled order, surplus stock or an ax wielding little person is always part of the tale. Meat Guy sells his products at huge discounts because he needs to unload it or his boss will beat him like a red headed stepchild. Most often Meat Guy says he had a delivery but the person was not home. Perhaps returning later might make sense. The UPS driver does not stop in front of my house and try to sell packages that he could not deliver.
I cannot imagine buying anything out of the back of a truck. I know of someone that once bought paintings, children’s books and wrapping paper out of a truck. Those items while possibly stolen, were unlikely to inflict a severe case of food poisoning or Ebola.
Buying steak or fish from Meat Guy could be hazardous to your health. Buying ground meat from Meat Guy is like playing Russian Roulette with a flamethrower. Ground meat is a potential weapon of mass destruction. Beef, chicken, rat, possum and ex-girlfriend are possible ground meat ingredients.
In tough economic times, all of us are searching for a great deal. I cut coupons, buy items on sale and often go without. No matter how tight finances are I will never buy meat from the Meat Guy and his pick up truck.
Posted in Thoughts
